I started taking a prenatal multi-vitamin when I thought we could have biological children and was pleased to see that my fingernails swiftly fortified to absurdist claws. After the shake up, letdown and let go, I still take the vitamins but not as religiously and I’m always shocked that one missed pill turns these hardened razors limp and fragile. I looked down the other day to see a large chunk of one missing and my brain reacted the same way it would when encountering a visceral loss or flesh wound. A gut punch, all for nothing. To relieve the shock I had to TOUCH it with my other hand to fully acknowledge and cement that no pain or harm had resulted from the loss. They’re such a part of my reality/existence now that my brain panics at their loss. Why am I like this?

The paper I made from carrot tops for the larger gallery submission this year kept shrinking after the extended drying time allotted so they gave me my crate of pieces back between shows to see if I could address the warping before the next opening. I heard multiple cracks when I put it in the press so I’ve vowed to worry about it incessantly for 48h and then peek. I wanted to add more texture to the focal piece as well and I’m feeling decent about that.

When I submitted the pieces, I never wanted to see them again. At the first opening I cried while I stood in front of it all for the artist photo. I wasn’t even looking in their direction. I couldn’t.

Everyone was so kind at that opening. I wish I could recall the nice things they said. I do remember how the thoughtful words slowly seeped in and warmed me to finally turning around to look at the pieces, this time through their feedback/eyes. Now, when I see it up, I still feel the sorrow but there’s also some pride. Living through it, trying to express it, sharing what I could. If its reception hadn’t been so generous, so validating, where would I be with all of this? I’m grateful that I was able to turn the grief into something people connected with. I didn’t know I could do that.

Dreaded winter has arrived for keeps. The neighbours directly across the street have their tree up. To stave off hibernation season, it is instead Full Steam Ahead for Friendship Craft Gatherings!