I strive to show up everyday ready to discuss grey areas with anyone, but I know I am an all or nothing individual. I want cold turkey inductions and painstakingly intentional paths forward. I want to plot a linear route even when there is a fourteen foot bank left by the plow with an absolute promise of a snow-up-to-your-crotch kind of climb. I want the passion, the adventure and the heartache of a direct approach. There will still be nuance, I swear.

I used to think that my inclination towards direct routes were shortcuts and they meant I was lazy. I held shame about it for years, but didn’t really change much about my approach. Now I wonder what’s lazy about clawing yourself out of an inevitable snow hole that’s half as deep as your body just because walking a quarter block extra/around felt like the absurd option. Truly it may be stubbornness more than anything else. I wouldn’t consider scaling the bank if others were along with me (humans: no/dogs: yes). I have a lot more connections to make before I know what I’m actually trying to sort out here. It’s got something to do with being in a training class with mostly strangers for weeks on end while we learn a job I’ve already done (but that time without the training!). Unfortunately I’ve got a lot of time left in this situation to figure it all out. At least when things settle down I’ll get a window seat. Small pleasures.