music: courtney barnett – avant gardener
mood: struggling
Link to January playlist

  • View from work
  • View of storm
  • View of struggler
  • View at January Stitch ‘n Bitch

In September I visited an Osteopath for my chronic pain and he told me to do his recommended exercises twice a day for three weeks or more and then make a followup appointment. I had the best of intentions. Ask me how many times I’ve called to reschedule that appointment … or just do the calendar math, I guess.

Five exercises, three sets of eight to fifteen reps, two times a day (does anyone do it twice a day?). I’m using podcasts as welcome distractions and my phone always has CYG preloaded. The chosen episode relayed advice for/thoughts on the new year from excellent humans, relating to giving yourself permission(s). But … what does the human antonym of disciplined do with that.

I have a hard time wrapping my head around the permissions I give to myself. When do I grow if I’m always letting myself off the hook and claiming it’s self-care. I certainly don’t understanding what gives me feelings of being at peace, what revitalizes me or relieves stress (aside from eating literally everything). It’s still hard to recognize when I’m on my way to feeling that I’m in a bad place until I’ve arrived and am stuck in the thick of it. How do I develop that awareness so that I may prevent or mediate?

When overwhelmed, I want to slow things down and I always seem to opt for the path of least resistance. Hibernate, plan or plan-to-plan on one side of my computer screen and distract with tv to suppress any real engagement on the other, then go to bed. I have a no tv before noon rule that has been helpful when it works, for morning productivity, but I also linger in bed for hours when I could be on my way to getting my shit together on any given day.

It wasn’t a low key week. Work was bonkers, I went to a lovely-but-too-big party, I hosted new-friend-strangers for a crafternoon, I spent a wacky amount on art supplies I promised myself I’d earn (through disciplined practice of alt mediums instead of just craft supply hoarding) but then I just splurged and bought them all anyway, and also there was/is a snowpocalypse going on (mostly freezing rain). I started the physical rehab. I always brought a lunch to work. I crafted with friends. There was a lot of good, but I could have been more intentional with my hours instead of just granting a boatload of non constructive downtime. Also, give yourself a break. Also, stop giving yourself so many breaks.